Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Mondo Goes to the Prison Tailor

The most disgusting inmate in the universe gets new clothes

Mondo sat on his bunk with a copy of Nature magazine, tearing out all the pictures of cute little furry animals. As was his practice, Mondo intended to sort the pictures into the order in which he would horribly deface them. Unfortunately for Mondo, but fortunately for the pictures, Mondo was interrupted while segregating them into easily disfigured piles.

“Hey Dweeb,” called a guard, “Did you drop a tab to the Prison Tailor for new clothes?”

It took Mondo a moment to understand the question, and he reached down absentmindedly to scratch an itch. Comprehension of the question spread across his swine like face as his fingers found that the entire seat had been blasted out of the trousers he was wearing.

“Uh, yeah,” grunted Mondo. The guard then instructed Mondo to bundle up all the clothes he needed replaced, and to put them into the plastic bag he handed him. When the midday count cleared, he was to report to the rear entrance of the prison tailor shop.

When Mondo arrived at the rear entrance of the prison tailor shop, he found an entire decontamination team waiting for him. Two members of the Decon team wearing full protection suits rushed forward and grabbed the bulging plastic bag from Mondo. They quickly doused the bag with an industrial strength disinfectant/defoliant and sprinted with the bag towards a trash compactor. Meanwhile, the remaining members of the team quickly began spraying Mondo with a delousing agent. The speed with which this was accomplished stunned Mondo. He finally regained what little senses he possessed when the Decon team started to rinse him off with a hose. However, by this time, Mondo had already formulated an opinion as to why this unprecedented action was taking place.

“How very respectful,” thought Mondo as the team swarmed around him, “These people are trying to make sure that I am sanitary so that I don’t catch any diseases from used clothing.”

Mondo decided that he would assist them, so he started toward the drum of sanitizer/deodorizer he saw. As members of the Decon team scurried out of his way, Mondo was nearly awed at the respect for his personal space that the team showed him.

Prying the lid off the drum, Mondo reached in and began to splash the contents of the drum liberally over his body. The fresh, clean wintergreen scent of the sanitizer caused Mondo to drool even heavier than normal. He stooped over, and was about to take a taste of the aromatic liquid when a horrendous shriek stopped him cold. Turning to see who screamed, Mondo’s attention was diverted long enough for two members of the Decon team to make a heroic dash for the drum, and move the poisonous substance out of his reach.

A courageous, and also utterly stupid tailor shop worker closed in upon the newly freshened Mondo. In his brave hands were 15 tape measures, which had been hurriedly fastened together, and a clipboard on which to write Mondo’s gargantuan measurements. The heroic fool began to measure Mondo as quickly as he could, and when he finally finished, he staggered back to the tailor shop with a long list of very large numbers. The tailor took the sizing information, spent a few long moments with a calculator to add up the string of numbers, which represented Mondo’s immense girth, and sighed heavily.

Luckily, the tailor shop already had two pairs of trousers, each one painstakingly constructed from enough fabric to cover an average family, in stock. So the tailor began the laborious task of fabricating two gargantuan shirts. Seven spools of thread and four jumbo rolls of fabric later, Mondo was the proud owner of two new sets of clothing. Elsewhere in the world, a small village went naked.

Back in his cell, Mondo fondled his fresh new clothing, momentarily forgetting the animal pictures sitting on his bunk. Enamored by his new duds, Mondo decided to try on a set. After he had changed, Mondo began the time-consuming task of setting up an array of 24 mirrors in which he could catch a partial glimpse of himself. Once the mirrors were properly set up, Mondo preened in them for a short period of time. Out of the corner of his eye Mondo spied the stacks of animal pictures, and he turned away from the mirrors, grabbed the pictures and eagerly shuffled through them, drooling heavily once again as he anticipated an orgy of photo mutilation. Glancing at the clock, Mondo saw that it was nearly time for chow, so he stashed the pictures in his locker, and went out to the gallery to wait for the chow call.

Walking to chow, Mondo began to strut proudly as he noticed many persons stealing glances at him, with some inmates outright staring at him. Little did he realize that they were shocked nearly numb because the normal swarm of flies and reeking stench which accompanied Mondo wherever he went were conspicuously absent. Mondo, of course, thought that it was due to his new clothes. He naively believed that the new clothes were responsible for his fellow inmates giving him even more respect than he was accustomed to. Mondo went through his usual chow routine, getting double portions of anything he could, and grabbing discards from the trays of other inmates who were making their way to the exit. Alone, as was customary, Mondo filled his table with empty trays and food scraps. The smacking and gobbling sounds, which were also a trademark of Mondo, were even more pronounced this day. Presently he finished all the food he could hoard, and reached up towards the fly strip. Glancing around, he deftly removed it from the ceiling, and stuffed it between two slices of bead. Mondo contemplated downing the sandwich in on gigantic gulp, but thought better of it and placed it in his pocket, saving it as a snack for later.

Back in his cell, Mondo, still hungry, opened a number of cans. He poured as many as he could into his hot pot, and while the beans in the pot were heating, he nibbled on a cold can that wouldn’t fit in the pot. When he finished the cold can, the beans in the hot pot were warm so he downed them, along with his fly strip sandwich. Turning his attention to the pictures of small cute furry animals, Mondo began arranging and re-arranging them into what he considered to be the optimal order. Suddenly, he regretted eating the six cans of beans. Resigned to the fact that he could never make it to the bathroom in time, Mondo relaxed and blew the seat out of his brand new trousers.

3 Comments:

At 9/08/2005 05:55:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crude but effective prose, I must say.

Bone

 
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