Mondo Goes on a Furlough

The most disgusting inmate in the universe goes to Crawford

"Warden Jackson," Karl Rove intoned ominously, "I don't think that you understand, I'm not asking you if giving Mondo a furlough is a good idea, I'm telling you that Mondo is going on a furlough."

"With all due respect Mr. Rove," Warden Jackson replied, "It is you who doesn't understand. Mondo is a serving a long sentence for various sundry crimes against God, Man, and Nature - especially Nature. He has no personal hygiene habits - you can smell him from a block away, no self respect, he eats fly strips for crying out loud, with live flies still on the strip! In addition, he is addicted to pornography, which thanks to court decisions he is permitted to have. The man is a menace to society, and you want me to release him for a weekend? On second thought, you are right, I don't understand. I don't understand why you would want a man like that out on the streets!"

"I need him for political purposes Warden. I understand that he thinks Cindy Sheehan is his Mother" Rove replied.

"Yes," Warden Jackson stated, "Mondo saw her on the evening news and is absolutely convinced that she is his Mother. But we know that this is not true, his Mother is alive and lives about 30 miles from here, she even visits on occasion. But she does bear a striking resemblance to Mrs. Sheehan."

"And it is that resemblance that I am counting on," said Rove. "Now, have your guards go get Mondo, clean him up a bit, give him some street clothes, and release him to my custody. I have all the appropriate paper work right here," concluded Rove as he took a sheaf of papers from his briefcase and handed them across the desk to the warden.

Warden Jackson carefully pored over the paperwork presented by Karl Rove and could find nothing to object to, everything was in order, and she resigned herself to releasing Mondo for the weekend. She picked up the phone and reluctantly gave the orders to have Mondo brought to the front gate in street clothes. Then she contacted the guard on duty in Mondo's cellblock and asked him to retrieve certain items of Mondo's personal property and bring them to her. Her next call went to the prison commissary.

"Mondo will be ready for you in about 10 minutes Mr. Rove," Warden Jackson informed him, "and I have made arrangements to supply you with some items that may protect the public if he gets out of control," she continued. "His cellblock guard is bringing some copies of Nature magazine which has many pictures of small furry animals, and the commissary is bringing over a dozen boxes of Little Debbie snack cakes. You can use these items to entice and lure him into doing what you want. But I must caution you, if you use the Little Debbies, it must be with an entire box, just one snack cake will not suffice."

"Thank you very much for your cooperation Warden," said Karl Rove, "your government appreciates your assistance, and I personally thank you for going above and beyond and giving me the magazines and snack cakes."

Karl Rove left the warden's office and proceeded to the front gate to await Mondo's appearance. He stood chatting with several Secret Service agents while waiting for Mondo, and presently they all detected a foul odor in the air. Just as one of the agents was about to remark on the odor, Mondo came through the sally port into the lobby, flanked by two guards. One guard told Mondo that he was going to go out on a field trip and directed him to the Secret Service agents telling him that they were his guides, while the other gave Karl Rove a large duffel bag containing the magazines and Little Debbie snack cakes. The guards wished them luck, and the main gate opened for them to leave.

The Secret Service agents quickly hustled Mondo out to a waiting van, and Karl Rove followed the van to the nearest airport in a waiting limo. Once at the airport, it was only a matter of minutes before the waiting cargo plane took off and headed towards Texas. In the air, the Secret Service agents tried to keep Mondo calm by offering him food and drinks. Mondo accepted and noisily devoured everything offered to him.

Presently, Mondo announced that he needed to use the rest room, and unbuckled both of the seat belts needed to encircle his immense girth. As Mondo waddled towards the restroom, the large plane shook and swayed in the air as the pilot struggled to keep control of the plane. Mondo somehow managed to wedge himself into the facilities, and to his dismay found that if he closed the door, he couldn't turn around or manage to locate his trouser decouplers, so he left the door open and proceeded to do his business, thereby irretrievably soiling the entire rest room from floor to ceiling. Mondo exited the lavatory and waddled back to his seat, leaving the door open. His normal foul odor, accompanied by the stench of his misadventures in the rest room was more than the Secret Service agents could bear, and one of them bravely went to close the rest room door. When he saw the condition of the facilities, projectile vomit spewed from his mouth into the lavatory. When he finished, he managed to close the door, hoping that the smell wouldn't be too bad for the rest of the trip.

Luckily, just at that moment, the pilot's voice came over the intercom instructing everyone to fasten their seatbelts for landing. The landing was largely unexceptional, if not a bit abrupt, but the plane containing Mondo was on the ground in Texas.

"Mondo, we have a surprise for you," one of the Secret Service agents told him, "We're going to a special picnic, and your Mother is going to be there."

This excited Mondo, because he hadn't seen his Mother in several months, and he obediently followed all instructions given to him on the van trip to the picnic site.

Meanwhile, at Cindy Sheehan's campsite just down the road from President Bush's ranch, a small caravan of catering trucks, secretly arranged for by Karl Rove, arrived and her group was told that local restaurants donated food and drink to her cause, and that they were going to have a nice barbecue picnic. Her media advisors thought that this was great publicity, and invited all the media representatives covering her story to the picnic.

The foodservice workers quickly set up tables and chairs for food and eating in the field, and busily filled them with platters of barbecue ribs, baked beans, cole slaw, potato salad, and steamed broccoli. When they were finished, Cindy Sheehan's media advisors made sure that cameras were rolling as Cindy made a short thank you speech to the local restaurants. Just as she finished, the van containing Mondo rolled up, and the Secret Service agents pointed him to her table.

"Mommy!" Mondo shrieked as he ran towards Cindy Sheehan. Cindy froze in terror as Mondo approached, his foul stench preceding him by a wide margin. Mondo reached her and threw his arms around her, as video cameras whirred. "Let's eat," Mondo shouted, as he greedily tried to shove food into his face without benefit of utensils. The Secret Service agent following Mondo convinced him to sit down and use a plate, and whispered to Cindy that she should perhaps humor him and she wouldn't get hurt.

Since she was in shock, Cindy complied and sat next to Mondo as he stuffed his face with vast quantities of gas producing food. Presently, Mondo slowed down, and Cindy began to regain her composure. When Mondo let out the first of what was to be several magnificent farts, Cindy snapped out of it and began to edge away from Mondo. When Mondo realized that she was leaving, he leapt up, and screamed "No Mommy - don't leave me again!"

As Mondo lunged towards her trying to wrap his arms around her, Cindy, fully recovered from her shock, was repulsed and sickened by Mondo and his stench. She felt her stomach heave and let loose a stream of vomit that splashed Mondo and several reporters who were busily covering the spectacle. When Mondo reached her, she angrily struck out at him screeching at him to get away. At this moment, the Secret Service agent who had been restraining Cindy's media advisor let her go and she joined in the fracas striking at Mondo and screaming obscenities at him trying to pry Cindy loose from his grasp.

Shortly, one of the Secret Service agents caught Mondo's eye with a box of Little Debbies and one of his Nature magazines. Mondo released Cindy and moved towards the agent, who was backing up to the waiting van. As Mondo walked away, both Cindy Sheehan and her media advisor hurled epithets at Mondo, who was totally oblivious to them.

As Mondo was lured into the van, another Secret Service agent gave an interview to one of the reporters explaining that Mondo was a "special needs" person, who mistook Cindy for his Mother, and said that her actions towards disadvantaged persons was nothing short of reprehensible.

The media then descended upon Cindy and her media advisor demanding to know why she had treated Mondo so shabbily. The circus that then ensued was captured on film for posterity by all the major network and cable news outlets.

At 6:00 p.m., while Mondo was still in the air heading back to prison, the lead story on every newscast began with film of Cindy Sheehan and her media advisor abusing Mondo both verbally and physically. Their explanations were shallow and insincere to all who viewed them, and Cindy Sheehan was no longer the media darling she had been for an entire month. Her cause and her angry words towards the President were ridiculed and dismissed by the pundits, and her popular opinion ratings slid into the gutter.

Back at President Bush's ranch Karl Rove, George Bush, and the rest of his advisors watched the unfolding events with barely restrained glee.